of pills n jabs

journey of assisted baby making. sidenote: such is life; the more u want kids the harder it is to have them.

Basically treatment starts once you start menstrual cycle. following which is weeks of jabs, scans, blood tests, and more jabs up till extraction day, where u are sedated n eggs are extracted, fertilised (only part where husband is required) and then cultivated n grown in lab for 3-5 days and then put back into uterus. thereafter, u get hospitalisation leave for about 2 weeks and then go back for yet another blood test to find out if it's a successful procedure. 

excess eggs are left to continue growing in lab for another day, and if it evolves into the desired level, it is frozen. otherwise it will be disposed of. 

upside of having frozen eggs, u get to skip the extraction procedure if unsuccessful, and u can even keep for future use.

blurry life

went under GA to do extraction of eggies. mind not working well. did I turn stupid? stoned.. I think this is roughly how it feels to be high on drugs. now I just want to eat n sleep

Here we go again!

Round 2, Fight!!!

cat is bored

Stuck at new stall cos of the rain n i can't go home for a shower. Been battling the heat of the new stall n cat is losing. Have been getting headaches past couple of days due to the heat n sweating profusely.

 In less than 3 days I have downed more than 3 litres of pocari sweat n dunno how much water n other drinks.. its a record cos cat is kinda a camel too. Generally dun drink a lot of water.. not that its something to be proud of, juz to give to a context to the amt of liquid cat is pouring down her throat. 

The up side of it is, maybe cat can lose some weight with the amount of perspiration. 

I can go on and on about this cos I'm freaking bored now. 

self reminder

Bought MSW mooncake from this place called Royal Durian. Superb mooncake, one of the best I've ever had. Must remember so that I will buy again next year. I tend to forget the mooncake brands I buy even if it's nice. You think you'd remember,  but it's like how during CNY I keep forgetting how much I bao for ppl.. n telling myself to write down n i don't..  dementia brain in the making.. 

negative

Got the results after a blood test in the morning. When they called and said "its negative ", there was a burning sinking feel of disappointment in my stomach. I can't remember when was the last time I had that feeling. 

It was hard although I have been mentally prepping myself all the while for this results. But one can't help but always feel a thread of hope, grasping at all the straws available. After the alloted time of month came and went by with nothing, hope went up, abit more than I should have allowed. Thus the worse it felt. 

It wasn't just self disappointment between me n TSO,  it felt that I disappointed both sets of parents n my siblings as well. They gave up n sacrificed so much for me to go thru this process with as much peace of mind as they could. Yet it was just disappointment all round. Though I kept telling myself I can't help it, the feeling of guilt is there too. 

Hope, when it comes crashing down on you, it really takes alot to hold it up, and even more to toss it away.  

I always have had the ability to rationalise myself out of unhappiness and forget unhappy things. It just takes time. More so when there's an additional burden of guilt involved.

猫的执着

Played sgdreams with some friends last night. Got into a heated debate over usage of some cards.couldnt get it off my mind. 

This is my problem. A perceived injustice or error will eat at me until I'm proven wrong or the other way round. 

Thought of writing it out here but this issue has been eating at me the whole day n my brain and mind is tired. Maybe I will do it later. 

It's not that it's just a game. Don't i know it. It's just how my brain is structured. Must get to the bottom of things. The name cat really suits me. Curious n guailan all the way

等与等到

just a random thought while waiting for my hubs. Epiphany of sorts.. i realised I am the type that has more excitement during the 'waiting' stage. Maybe its the anticipation and the feeling that one has something to look forward to. Whereas the 等到 stage is just that. Beyond the 'yay, finally!', there's really nothing much to shout about. That's how 空虚 my life is now.. 等人搭电梯下楼都是一件填满我人生的乐趣.. lololol

原来早就等到了。。

New journey

12 aug 2020 marked the start of ivf. The problems of somehow being unable to conceive naturally equals to extra time, extra effort, extra medication, injections n extra $$$. Just hope to have a successful cycle so that I dun have to repeat the process again.. *fingerscrossed

the annoying moments

Sometimes arguments with the husband is so dumb an mind-boggling that one can really really go WTF. 

Husband asked me to buy something online for a friend. Item got delivered, husband claims I bought the wrong item. Tried to explain to husband what I rem the convo to be. Don't want to listen. Told me to stop discussing as it will go nowhere with both having diff idea. Fine. Told him to check with friend if it's the correct item and if wrong i will sell it off n reorder for friend. Received a curt 'not something u need to concern yourself with'. And got pissed.. really is WTF moment. 

So asked him what he angry over. Say cos everytime argue I tell him to stop discussing he must stop. Yet when he say to me i don't stop. That was the most mind boggling moment because to me it is always THE OTHER WAY ROUND... 

So pek cek now.. 😑😑😡🤬🤬

its it's a voting time

GE2020 happening in 2 days. Juz to note it down, somehow a Sengkang resident has been carved into Ang Mo Kio Grc and the opposition hasn't presented a team that can induce me to vote them. My dilemma now is blank vote or blank cheque. 

On a more personal note, me n the hubs trying to adopt a dog, and we also have 'competition' as theres also another couple interested in the same dog as we want to adopt. So to a certain extent, I'm in an election of my own as one of the candidates. Will be hearing from the agency within the next couple of days (I hope). Never owned a dog before so very excited. Trying to tamp down excitement and expectations.. 期望越大，失望越大.. prepare for the worse will let me get over disappointment faster i hope... 🤞🏼🤞🏼

10年之后

Wow, juz realised almost 11 years since I started this blog. Although there were pockets of years that 1) so caught up in living my life that I 'didnt have time' to blog. 2) so numb to life that doesn't seem like theres much to blog. 

I do realise, as we grow older, we become less passionate about certain things and we learn to be more 'chill'. Its a both sides to a coin thing I feel. 

Was telling a friend the other day, I used to watch movies and reality TV varitety shows and see how couples interact and how 'loving' they are. Then I will start wishing my other half can be like that, then start to have unrealistic expectations of him. End up make myself unhappy cos he doesn't even know what I want, not romantic, not caring for living enough etc etc. 

Now, I watch and go 'aww so sweet'. Then I'll go to my husband and say 'good night, love you.' Lol

No unrealistic expectations = no disappointment. 

Awkwardly awkward

As this cat is suffering from slight insomnia,  decided to make a record of one of the most awkward moments in her life.

Happened a few years back. I was buying lunch at my favourite BCM place in TPY to eat with my ex-boyfriend (now husband).

It was a popular stall so the wait can take awhile.. that 'awhile' became one of the most interesting periods in my life...

I ordered, then was waiting..  and then lo and behold, I saw a guy that I had a crush on thruout most of my poly n uni life.. Mr. D.
As with most people, crushes normally doesn't end up in anything, but at least Mr D and I were still on talking terms at that point, but more on a level on acquaintance.

He was with a friend there for lunch and they were waiting for their food as well. All was well with abit of polite chit chat as we haven't seen each other in years by then, cos I finally, at some point in my life, realised that I had fallen out of crush with him.

Suddenly, a girl a few tables away came over, sat down, and started talking to his friend. After the initial surprise, it registered that one of the first things she said was '你几时要还我钱?' Or along those lines. At first I thought she was like a close friend so used a 烂梗 to say hi. After awhile, we realised she was serious so things got awkward quickly. Mr D and I sat there, looking awkwardly at each other and both didnt dare to say anything..
After the confrontation, the girl left with some last warning shit and 3 of us sat there with the guy trying weakly to explain.. something about house sold off n profit not as expected or something like that.
Their number got called and the friend went to collect their food. Mr D and I sat there and went 'what the heck was that? So awkward!'
The friend came back and after a few more awkward moments it was my turn and I left asap.

Have to say that really was a WTF moment. Imagine bumping into ex crush already awkward. Then to see such a scene.. really is like 拍戏啊??!!

• Ok.. gonna sleep now..

Still alive!

Wow. My blog is actually still alive.. had it been a real diary its probably buried inside a chest of clothes, forgotten in an attic somewhere (or Storageworld in SG context) to be discovered n discarded years later..

Aft years of silence, juz wanted to do a little update thus far.

2011 dec, my nephew came into the world. To translate my absence from blogging, he is turning 6 this year.
2011 is also the year me n TSO applied for our BTO. First time lucky!

2012 Feb, my dearest ah gong left us. He stayed on long enough to see his great-grandson though. Nothing can describe the stabbing pain of loss I felt and still feel. (U know the the scene in 'Goblin' whereby he clutches his chest in pain due to the sword. Probably the same feel)

2012 nov, left my acct servicing job aft 2 years.
Went to ntuc for near 6 months n left. Nice plc but i think big organisations not my thing..

Smtime in 2013, joined an events co n things couldn't work out. So i went to be hokkien mee 妹。

2014, family took over a chinese restaurant, ah yat @jurong bird park n there i stayed for the next 2 years.

2015, the year we spent the most money. Paid for the deposit of our house, had our ROM (yes,this is a married cat now), and renovated our house.

2016 jan 9, official move in date n that's where cat's cave has been ever since. No longer a jurong-kia..