negative

Got the results after a blood test in the morning. When they called and said "its negative ", there was a burning sinking feel of disappointment in my stomach. I can't remember when was the last time I had that feeling. 

It was hard although I have been mentally prepping myself all the while for this results. But one can't help but always feel a thread of hope, grasping at all the straws available. After the alloted time of month came and went by with nothing, hope went up, abit more than I should have allowed. Thus the worse it felt. 

It wasn't just self disappointment between me n TSO,  it felt that I disappointed both sets of parents n my siblings as well. They gave up n sacrificed so much for me to go thru this process with as much peace of mind as they could. Yet it was just disappointment all round. Though I kept telling myself I can't help it, the feeling of guilt is there too. 

Hope, when it comes crashing down on you, it really takes alot to hold it up, and even more to toss it away.  

I always have had the ability to rationalise myself out of unhappiness and forget unhappy things. It just takes time. More so when there's an additional burden of guilt involved.