Insomnia

Been trying to sleep for the past hour.. but sleep is elusive... once my head hits the pillow, i start thinking of too many things.. esp my lack of income.. haha..

i really really want that job from Safra, but, as the days go by, the chances are diminishing more.. i managed to keep myself awake thinking of all the things i can try to do to give myself a higher chance.. brain juices are working.. haha..

Sunday was TSO's b-dae, and, except for a card that i made myself, (i have to profess, it's an ugly card.. Cat failed her art..) i am not able to get him a gift.. and though he says it's ok, i feel bad. real bad. so many things i wanted to get TSO.. yet nothing could be done due to my sad state of finance..

i feel like i'm sinking into depression.. it's coming to 3 months of a jobless Cat.. it sux.. not that i was ever rich to begin with, but at least i could support myself and still give my parents money.. i'm coming to the point where i might need to ask them for money. Can u believe that??!! farkin 25 yrs old, and still need to ask parents for money..

i remember when i was in sec 3, which was exactly 10 years ago, one of my teachers asked us to do a 5 year and 10 year plan of our life. I was so full of dreams then.. My 10 year plan was to be a successful lawyer, and possibly get married. I wanted to have kids by 30. I still do.

But after growing up, seeing more of the society and the reality of life, I seriously doubt my ability to be able to start a family, much less have kids.. I can't even afford to keep myself alive.. haha.. farkin 25 and still depending on my parents for help.. what kind of person am i?? useless that is..

Was thinking to myself this aftnn, wat's my goal in life?? my mind drew a blank. i have no aim in life. just living day by day, wasting my youth away.. no.. wait.. my youth has already been wasted.. 25, not young anymore.. when i was 20, 25 seemed such a long time away, and ppl who are 25 seemed so old to me.. I had big dreams for myself when i reached 25, but still, nothing has come about except for failed relationships, lousy grades in school, and either in a sucky job or jobless..

when am i ever gonna be successful and make something out of my own life for myself? i feel inferior even in front of my friends and relatives.. wtf is wrong wif this cat??

too much coffee made me sleepless.. now i know i can't drink coffee at night anymore.. tried and tested.. haha..