sent my cuz off for the final time yst. shall not go into details, but juz suffice to say, Cat finally broke down n cried.
Bye Cuz.. i'm sure u know you're loved and missed. take care wherever u are, and bless us from wherever you are.
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Saturday, 20 March 2010
the wait seems sweeter
lol.. the bf is hm.. for those who went out wif me the past two weeks, i'm sorry you've had to suffer thru my whinings of my 相思病。 actually, not really la.. how often do u get to see this Shuper Cute Cat whine anyway?? haha..
eniwei, last nite when waiting at the airport for him, suddenly like, hey. i've been looking forward to this day since 2 weeks ago, hw come when i'm here, i dun feel that excited?? haha.. but of coz, it's still good to see him home..
life is back to normal.. :D
eniwei, last nite when waiting at the airport for him, suddenly like, hey. i've been looking forward to this day since 2 weeks ago, hw come when i'm here, i dun feel that excited?? haha.. but of coz, it's still good to see him home..
life is back to normal.. :D
Friday, 19 March 2010
Things looking bad
Received sms from a cousin (D) in the morning on my way to work.
Basically to tell us that the doc has confirmed that my cuz's (L) liver has failed, he will be leaving us. Maybe days, maybe weeks, no one knows. Doc gonna discharge him and let him go naturally at home. asks us to pray n hope his departure is painless..
i asked D how L is doing.. his reply was 3 words, and cut deep. 'Hallucinating, Pain, Mourning'
i didn't dare send anymore things. spoke to another cousin (J) over msn while at work. she went to visit him. her msn personal message was smthin like 'we can only stand by and watch you suffer.. we r so sorry..' i teared at work when i saw that.
i think they're exploring hospice care for the last few days of his life. i juz sent singapore cancer society an email asking how to go abt doing it.. for once i sort of hoped my exec director is around, at least she has contacts within the SCS, could've helped me.. (she's on leave for a week.. woohoo!!)
i wanted to visit him in the hospital, but came down with a horrigible migraine.. came home, showered, slept. was asleep frm 7+ till 11.30pm, still felt bad, if not worse, so popped 2 panadol and went back to bed till 2am.. i've slept my no. of hours.. nw i'm kinda wide awake at 2.45am.. lol..
_________________________________________________________________
on a totally different note, the bf is coming back!! flight supposed to touch down at 0055 20march. thing is.. i only know it's terminal one.. can't rem his flight no. for the life of me.. hahahhaha.. juz when i'm getting used to him not being around.. he comes back.. lol.. well.. at least i'll haf him by my side again.. n he gets to bully me again....
Basically to tell us that the doc has confirmed that my cuz's (L) liver has failed, he will be leaving us. Maybe days, maybe weeks, no one knows. Doc gonna discharge him and let him go naturally at home. asks us to pray n hope his departure is painless..
i asked D how L is doing.. his reply was 3 words, and cut deep. 'Hallucinating, Pain, Mourning'
i didn't dare send anymore things. spoke to another cousin (J) over msn while at work. she went to visit him. her msn personal message was smthin like 'we can only stand by and watch you suffer.. we r so sorry..' i teared at work when i saw that.
i think they're exploring hospice care for the last few days of his life. i juz sent singapore cancer society an email asking how to go abt doing it.. for once i sort of hoped my exec director is around, at least she has contacts within the SCS, could've helped me.. (she's on leave for a week.. woohoo!!)
i wanted to visit him in the hospital, but came down with a horrigible migraine.. came home, showered, slept. was asleep frm 7+ till 11.30pm, still felt bad, if not worse, so popped 2 panadol and went back to bed till 2am.. i've slept my no. of hours.. nw i'm kinda wide awake at 2.45am.. lol..
_________________________________________________________________
on a totally different note, the bf is coming back!! flight supposed to touch down at 0055 20march. thing is.. i only know it's terminal one.. can't rem his flight no. for the life of me.. hahahhaha.. juz when i'm getting used to him not being around.. he comes back.. lol.. well.. at least i'll haf him by my side again.. n he gets to bully me again....
Monday, 15 March 2010
Pre-emptory Goodbye
I've a cousin, quite a few years older than me, so we're not close. probably all we knew is each other's existence, how we're related, me greeting him at family gatherings.
i didn't even know how old he is, where he stays, who exactly his wife is, wat he works as etc etc.. that's a problem when you have too many cousins, and a couple of them are low profile people.
But, recent events have made him the 'hottest' topic within my maternal extended family. Not in a good way though. He was diagnosed with 4th stage cancer in Feb, before CNY. It was stunning news, but most of us took it in stride as no one knew how serious it was. I mean, we knew it was 4th stage, but there wasn't much news, and being a big family, rumours were flying all over.
Further to add was the point that besides being cousins, I basically know nothing about him, except that he has a son. I didn't even notice that his wife was in the last trimester of pregnancy, and only knew about the latest addition to the family at the same time he was diagnosed.
He was positive at first, and everyone was in denial. Like, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, he's a good guy. Why is this happening to him? One of the last people we thought it'd happen to.. And also, coz we ain't that close, it kind of felt unreal to me. And it was near CNY, I'm ashamed to say that at that point, I was kind of more excited about CNY. Also, during the celebrations, no one mentioned his absence. the traditional way of polite denying the existence.
After CNY, i was more concerned about TSO being away from me for 2 whole weeks, i was trying to spend as much time as I could with him, to the point we were kind of sick of each other. But, thoughts of my cousin only vaguely crossed my mind. Someone who seems close, but yet so far. Vaguely heard that he started chemo, seems to be reacting well, everyone was positive. It was an illusion..
Being a cynic myself, I preferred to think the worse of things so that I would not feel so upset. (for e.g., during school, before exam results comes out, i will tell myself that i probably did very badly and failed those papers that I wasn't confident of, so that when i get results, and i passed, I will actually be damn happy, and if I did fail, i had already expected that outcome, so won't be overly upset.) Plus i am working in CCF, kind of heard some bad stuff and good stuff, and had slightly more knowledge on cancer, though I dunno how much similarities there are in childhood and adult cancer. But i figured the chemo part, remission, and relapse part would be rather similar.. Perhaps the difference is in the medication, treatment etc.
Anyway, I personally read up abit on cancer, and during those early days when rumours were rife, some cannot be ignored and probably has some truth in it. I was told cancer was in various places in his body, so I read up on those cancer in places that I was told.. Sadly, what I read wasn't good. Less than 5% chance of survival, etc etc. All in all, without seeing him or hearing anymore, I personally thought he had another 3-6 months more even if the chemo didn't go well. privately, i thought chemo won't work on him anymore anyway.. the cancer was surface cancer, meaning it doesn't stay in one place where u can cut the tumour out.. it spreads all over the body at an astonishing speed..
Until last Thurs.. TSO wasn't around already, I had nothing to do. Went home and Mom said she was gonna visit my grandparents.. Being bored, i decided to tag along. While there, they started talking about the cousin, and I could catch snippets of it. (it was in hakka, i barely know 10 words, was like trying to decipher a total foreign language)
Basically, what i heard that day was that he was in hospital the past few days, coz his gastric was bleeding n they had to do an op to stop it, his chemo treatment was halted, but he was gonna be discharged the next day. So, out of concern, curiosity and a sense of duty, and just wanting to see him and show some support, I went with my mum the next day to visit him.
What i saw stunned me. The person I was looking at was barely a shadow of his past. Though admittedly, I didn't have much of an impression of him except that he was plump, nerdy looking, but a nice guy.
The man I saw is thin all over, except for a bulging stomach that was bigger than in the past. But, his shoulder was so thin that the shirt he was wearing seemed to be hanging off him.. His speech was slow and abit slurred, but he was still lucid. He could recognise me, and even remember my name. I teared when I saw him. And personally, at that point, I gave maybe 2 months more, and I figured he wouldn't be able to carry on with chemo at that point, cos i personally thought he really wasn't reacting well therefore the problems. And for a 4th stage cancer, even with chemo the chances of surviving is still very low. Don't forget the cancer cells were spreading so fast, the doctor don't even know where it started from..
Did i mention his younger son is only a month plus old now? I was carrying him later on, trying to see how he'd look like when he grows up, and suddenly, a heart-wrenching pain hit me, 'my cousin, his father, will not be able to live to see him grow up!'.. It was painful.
Went home that night, said a short prayer to wish him all the best, and went on with my life. Was telling my bro on Sun evening that he'd better go visit him, else won't need to go anymore.. But i didn't mean it literally.. was just telling him not to drag his feet in visiting coz ppl tend to put off the undesirable..
That night, after dinner, we were told he was admitted to hospital again for excessive bleeding.
This afternoon, finally heard more news, and went to hospital to visit him.
Apparently, he was in so much pain yst, he was screaming, and the screaming damaged his already fragile windpipe and caused the bleeding to start, and due to chemo and other stuff, he has lower count of the platelets required to make bleeding stop, so his bleeding was more excessive. They drove him to the hospital, where his heart actually stopped for awhile and they resuscitated him. probably due to excessive blood loss.
But my dad said that with that kind of level of pain, the patient would be nearing the end.. He had seen it happen before. Also, the medication he was on is already to alleviate the pain. The doctor isn't really looking to cure him, but to make his last days more peaceful and comfortable. He is suffering from multiple organ failures, and only his heart and brain is still working. He was awake when i visited him in the HD unit (High Depandancy Ward), but we were advised not to talk to him too much as if he starts talking, it might start the bleeding again. Just as well, I really didn't know what to say. All I could do was smile at him..
It's like, I was there to say goodbye, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I also can't tell him to get well.. all i could say was, Kor, rest well, u take care. i cannot begin to understand how he feels about all these. An aunt went in, saw him and juz started sobbing.. I told her not to cry, coz she's gonna make him feel worse.. but not close enuff an aunt that i can just usher out.. so i was standing there helplessly, not daring to look at my cousin cos i knew i'd see tears in his eyes. n i couldn't hush up my aunt. another cousin standing there also teared.. but i didn't. figured he'd be more upset than us.. he's the one dying, not us. though after his death, the pain will leave him, but it will stay with us until time heals us..
He's only 36. His 2 kids are 40 days and 2 years old. Why is life so unfair? Why him? Why so young? Why must my aunt go thru this at her age? I think she's like 60 plus, almost 70 soon? She went from being rotund and having a round face, now, she slimmed down alot..
She's suffering along right with her son..
Kor, rest well, be in peace. If you really can't get well, I hope you go to a better place with no pain soon. Don't worry, we'll all help with your parents, wife and children however we can. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to get to know you better. Goodbye till we see each other again.
i didn't even know how old he is, where he stays, who exactly his wife is, wat he works as etc etc.. that's a problem when you have too many cousins, and a couple of them are low profile people.
But, recent events have made him the 'hottest' topic within my maternal extended family. Not in a good way though. He was diagnosed with 4th stage cancer in Feb, before CNY. It was stunning news, but most of us took it in stride as no one knew how serious it was. I mean, we knew it was 4th stage, but there wasn't much news, and being a big family, rumours were flying all over.
Further to add was the point that besides being cousins, I basically know nothing about him, except that he has a son. I didn't even notice that his wife was in the last trimester of pregnancy, and only knew about the latest addition to the family at the same time he was diagnosed.
He was positive at first, and everyone was in denial. Like, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, he's a good guy. Why is this happening to him? One of the last people we thought it'd happen to.. And also, coz we ain't that close, it kind of felt unreal to me. And it was near CNY, I'm ashamed to say that at that point, I was kind of more excited about CNY. Also, during the celebrations, no one mentioned his absence. the traditional way of polite denying the existence.
After CNY, i was more concerned about TSO being away from me for 2 whole weeks, i was trying to spend as much time as I could with him, to the point we were kind of sick of each other. But, thoughts of my cousin only vaguely crossed my mind. Someone who seems close, but yet so far. Vaguely heard that he started chemo, seems to be reacting well, everyone was positive. It was an illusion..
Being a cynic myself, I preferred to think the worse of things so that I would not feel so upset. (for e.g., during school, before exam results comes out, i will tell myself that i probably did very badly and failed those papers that I wasn't confident of, so that when i get results, and i passed, I will actually be damn happy, and if I did fail, i had already expected that outcome, so won't be overly upset.) Plus i am working in CCF, kind of heard some bad stuff and good stuff, and had slightly more knowledge on cancer, though I dunno how much similarities there are in childhood and adult cancer. But i figured the chemo part, remission, and relapse part would be rather similar.. Perhaps the difference is in the medication, treatment etc.
Anyway, I personally read up abit on cancer, and during those early days when rumours were rife, some cannot be ignored and probably has some truth in it. I was told cancer was in various places in his body, so I read up on those cancer in places that I was told.. Sadly, what I read wasn't good. Less than 5% chance of survival, etc etc. All in all, without seeing him or hearing anymore, I personally thought he had another 3-6 months more even if the chemo didn't go well. privately, i thought chemo won't work on him anymore anyway.. the cancer was surface cancer, meaning it doesn't stay in one place where u can cut the tumour out.. it spreads all over the body at an astonishing speed..
Until last Thurs.. TSO wasn't around already, I had nothing to do. Went home and Mom said she was gonna visit my grandparents.. Being bored, i decided to tag along. While there, they started talking about the cousin, and I could catch snippets of it. (it was in hakka, i barely know 10 words, was like trying to decipher a total foreign language)
Basically, what i heard that day was that he was in hospital the past few days, coz his gastric was bleeding n they had to do an op to stop it, his chemo treatment was halted, but he was gonna be discharged the next day. So, out of concern, curiosity and a sense of duty, and just wanting to see him and show some support, I went with my mum the next day to visit him.
What i saw stunned me. The person I was looking at was barely a shadow of his past. Though admittedly, I didn't have much of an impression of him except that he was plump, nerdy looking, but a nice guy.
The man I saw is thin all over, except for a bulging stomach that was bigger than in the past. But, his shoulder was so thin that the shirt he was wearing seemed to be hanging off him.. His speech was slow and abit slurred, but he was still lucid. He could recognise me, and even remember my name. I teared when I saw him. And personally, at that point, I gave maybe 2 months more, and I figured he wouldn't be able to carry on with chemo at that point, cos i personally thought he really wasn't reacting well therefore the problems. And for a 4th stage cancer, even with chemo the chances of surviving is still very low. Don't forget the cancer cells were spreading so fast, the doctor don't even know where it started from..
Did i mention his younger son is only a month plus old now? I was carrying him later on, trying to see how he'd look like when he grows up, and suddenly, a heart-wrenching pain hit me, 'my cousin, his father, will not be able to live to see him grow up!'.. It was painful.
Went home that night, said a short prayer to wish him all the best, and went on with my life. Was telling my bro on Sun evening that he'd better go visit him, else won't need to go anymore.. But i didn't mean it literally.. was just telling him not to drag his feet in visiting coz ppl tend to put off the undesirable..
That night, after dinner, we were told he was admitted to hospital again for excessive bleeding.
This afternoon, finally heard more news, and went to hospital to visit him.
Apparently, he was in so much pain yst, he was screaming, and the screaming damaged his already fragile windpipe and caused the bleeding to start, and due to chemo and other stuff, he has lower count of the platelets required to make bleeding stop, so his bleeding was more excessive. They drove him to the hospital, where his heart actually stopped for awhile and they resuscitated him. probably due to excessive blood loss.
But my dad said that with that kind of level of pain, the patient would be nearing the end.. He had seen it happen before. Also, the medication he was on is already to alleviate the pain. The doctor isn't really looking to cure him, but to make his last days more peaceful and comfortable. He is suffering from multiple organ failures, and only his heart and brain is still working. He was awake when i visited him in the HD unit (High Depandancy Ward), but we were advised not to talk to him too much as if he starts talking, it might start the bleeding again. Just as well, I really didn't know what to say. All I could do was smile at him..
It's like, I was there to say goodbye, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I also can't tell him to get well.. all i could say was, Kor, rest well, u take care. i cannot begin to understand how he feels about all these. An aunt went in, saw him and juz started sobbing.. I told her not to cry, coz she's gonna make him feel worse.. but not close enuff an aunt that i can just usher out.. so i was standing there helplessly, not daring to look at my cousin cos i knew i'd see tears in his eyes. n i couldn't hush up my aunt. another cousin standing there also teared.. but i didn't. figured he'd be more upset than us.. he's the one dying, not us. though after his death, the pain will leave him, but it will stay with us until time heals us..
He's only 36. His 2 kids are 40 days and 2 years old. Why is life so unfair? Why him? Why so young? Why must my aunt go thru this at her age? I think she's like 60 plus, almost 70 soon? She went from being rotund and having a round face, now, she slimmed down alot..
She's suffering along right with her son..
Kor, rest well, be in peace. If you really can't get well, I hope you go to a better place with no pain soon. Don't worry, we'll all help with your parents, wife and children however we can. I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to get to know you better. Goodbye till we see each other again.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Monday, 8 March 2010
one of the worst mondays to date
today is thoroughly miserable.. i dunno y too..
first thing i did on a monday is to send my bf off to the airport at 12mn. 2 weeks of not seeing him. maybe if such a thing happen in future i'd be quite happy.. but right now, i hate the feeling of being apart.
then i had a bad night. fell aslp at 2am, had a series of weird dreams, woke up at 4am. tso supposed to sms me when he board the plane, but i didn't receive anything. started to haf funny thoughts that went wild. when i fell aslp at 4plus am, it was a continuation of a series of weird dreams. went on all the way till 7plus when it was time for me to wake up.
7 plus.. and still no news frm the bf.. started to feel worried.. the first thing i did when i reached office was to scan the news of any plane disasters in the TW vicinity.. silly, but like i said, i have an overactive imagination.
n then start work. at 10am, the ED (exec director, head honcho of the staff in CCF), started discussing some stuff with colleagues.. loud, abrasive, sharp tones.. how to work.. making the whole office noisy, unpeaceful.. (juz wat we need on a monday morn that's miserable enuff)
had a thoroughly dissatisfying lunch, couldn't finish my food. finally heard frm the bf at 2 plus, n set my mind at ease a little, but the missing of him increased twofold..
left alone in my little world until 4plus when the ED called me. suddenly i have to redo the WHOLE FUCKING BUDGET of the event which was already approved simply coz the mgmt comm ppl (whom my head honcho answers to, n she therefore leaps to their every word) said so.
juz when i thot that i was gonna finally crawl thru monday, this kind of bomb comes crashing down on me... as if i dun haf enuff to worry abt.. why muz i rehash something that was fixed earlier?
i farkin hate my job!
N GUESS WAT!! THE DAY IS TECHNICALLY NOT OVER YET!!! i juz wan find a cave n hide n feel sorry for myself
first thing i did on a monday is to send my bf off to the airport at 12mn. 2 weeks of not seeing him. maybe if such a thing happen in future i'd be quite happy.. but right now, i hate the feeling of being apart.
then i had a bad night. fell aslp at 2am, had a series of weird dreams, woke up at 4am. tso supposed to sms me when he board the plane, but i didn't receive anything. started to haf funny thoughts that went wild. when i fell aslp at 4plus am, it was a continuation of a series of weird dreams. went on all the way till 7plus when it was time for me to wake up.
7 plus.. and still no news frm the bf.. started to feel worried.. the first thing i did when i reached office was to scan the news of any plane disasters in the TW vicinity.. silly, but like i said, i have an overactive imagination.
n then start work. at 10am, the ED (exec director, head honcho of the staff in CCF), started discussing some stuff with colleagues.. loud, abrasive, sharp tones.. how to work.. making the whole office noisy, unpeaceful.. (juz wat we need on a monday morn that's miserable enuff)
had a thoroughly dissatisfying lunch, couldn't finish my food. finally heard frm the bf at 2 plus, n set my mind at ease a little, but the missing of him increased twofold..
left alone in my little world until 4plus when the ED called me. suddenly i have to redo the WHOLE FUCKING BUDGET of the event which was already approved simply coz the mgmt comm ppl (whom my head honcho answers to, n she therefore leaps to their every word) said so.
juz when i thot that i was gonna finally crawl thru monday, this kind of bomb comes crashing down on me... as if i dun haf enuff to worry abt.. why muz i rehash something that was fixed earlier?
i farkin hate my job!
N GUESS WAT!! THE DAY IS TECHNICALLY NOT OVER YET!!! i juz wan find a cave n hide n feel sorry for myself
Emo
Damn.. I miss my bf... n he didn't drop me a msg when he reached.. i'm gonna conjure images of dire circumstances until he contacts me.. ultimately i think he didn't contact due to excitement and perhaps no time to... the no time part doubtful, excitement part more believeable.. lol..
anyway, i'm gonna miss him till when he comes back...
anyway, i'm gonna miss him till when he comes back...
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