Doubts

this entry may remain unposted.. i just need to let things out..

Doubts.. i don't know if its me thinking too much too deep or its true.
im getting damn sick of all this doubts. how to clear it all? i don't know how serious he is about me. i don't know how important i am to him. i don't know if he's the one. i don't know if he really does cherish or love me. i don't know if he's with me because he has been single for 4 years and he just wants a gf, anyone. i don't know if he really loves me. so many times i feel like just giving up. why make myself go thru all these troubles? i'm sure he wouldn't care too. he always gives me the feeling that he can just walk away unscathed if we break up. im being repetitive. i don't care..

i don't like u for:

• suggesting to me that i MIGHT want to change any part of my body. i don't want to. if i do it, it's for you. it affects me alot to think that you find me inadequate



• being selfish



• showing me a black face whenever you're tired, and take ur unhappiness out on me, i'm ur gf, not a vessel for u to vent ur anger on



• getting pissed and then just keep quiet without letting me know what caused you to be pissed



• always giving me the feeling that you're putting your friends before me. even if you really do, let me think that you value me more, but u would just like to spend some time with your friends.



• thinking things too logically, and then get unhappy when i don't agree or cannot understand what u mean. i'm not that smart, n sometimes i'm not logical. Females are never meant to be logical emotionally anyway.



• always saying, 'nvm, i don't want to say you, and in the next breath, start telling what i should or should not have done.' I don't say 'I told you so!' to you, so don't do it to me. I know what i have done is stupid/ wrong already, you don't have to rub it in.



• not giving in to me (enough). i give in to u and i bend to ur desires, it'll be good if you could do the same for me sometimes, even if you don't want to. and at least pretend that u enjoy and don't complain.



• refusing to talk about emtional stuff. i know you're uncomfortable, but just do it, even to just make me feel better and loved. i need constant reassurance.



• thinking that you're always right and refusing to listen to criticisms. and when u do, you find ways and means to argue and counter. yes, u can talk, but not right means not right. u argue till you're right, you're still not right. i stop arguing is not because i really agree with you, but coz i can see that it's gonna lead to a quarrel. i do not want to quarrel with you if i can help it.



• not saying I love u enough. (SMS don't count)

I like u for:

• being there when i need u



• making me laugh



• helping me understand myself better



• making me want to become a better person



• doing small things to surprise me like changing my desktop pic when i least expect it



• unconsciously playing with my hair when we're out



• reaching over and holding my hand/ touching me while you're talking with ur friends (at least i know u haven't forgotten me)



• laughing at my stupid jokes



• understanding what i'm trying to say when other people don't



• not scolding me when i'm having my stupid moments



• letting me express myself even though it leads to unhappiness



• helping fix my laptop



• helping my dad fix his laptop



• your willingness to help my family do stuff



• ur penchance for cleanliness



• how u hate to sweat but like to play sports that makes u sweat



• teaching me and entertaining me when I wanna play LAN games although i suck at it



• not giving in to me when i'm being unreasonable



• being ticklish



• ur ability to think thru everything in a logical way



• protecting me and trying your best to make sure i'm not bullied



• respecting my parents and siblings, and entertaining my family despite their quirkiness



• ur ability to make things work even when things seem to be going against you

• not giving up on me

well.. ultimately, i still love him..

life is all about choices

i'm seething.. but i feel bad for feeling this way..

the bf is s'posed to come my hse for a family reunion dinner which my parents invited him a couple of weeks ago.. it's an annual pre-reunion reunion dinner wif my dad's side of the relatives.

few days back, he got an invitation frm a fren for a dinner on the same nite. he told me he wanted to go although my family 'booked' him first. i understand and empathise his motive behind it. but right now it's a dilemma, coz on the surface, it seems wrong to go for a fren's gathering which invitation came later, but the motive behind it is greater.

of coz, if it was me i would also rather meet my friends and be myself than meet the relatives and feel awkward half the time. it's due to this that makes me question the pureness of his motive.. i know it's not right but i can't help feeling this way. sm how i keep getting the feeling that he wants to get out of dinner wif my family, n subconciously using his friend as an excuse to not have to go..

on one hand, it's my family, on the other hand, it's his friends. i wonder how will it be if our roles were reversed..

he could join my family for dinner and meet his frens for after-dinner activities, but qn is, we haf no idea wat time dinner at my side ends, and whether his friends have after-dinner activities.

no perfect solution. i know i won't be v happy if he doesn't join my family for dinner, but if he's here, but his heart is elsewhere, wat's the point?? knowing him, he'll probably be impatiently waiting for the time when it's polite for him to leave.. n in situations like this, it will normally cause some unhappiness between us..

can anyone come up with a perfect solution? is there a perfect solution?? m i being too selfish??? aargh.. y m i getting so pissed about it?

i told him to juz go for dinner with his friends, and forget about my side, i'll explain to my parents, they'll understand. but y m i still pissed and unhappy about it? y m i the one who can't get over it? i dun understand myself.

what will be ur choice or decision?

I have made my decision and thanks to a couple of other ppl who provided me with 3rd party perspective.. i know the correct thing to do, i juz needed help in getting there. thanks!

CNY

hey hey.. CNY is creeping up.. was in the washroom (it juz had to be THE washroom) earlier, and it suddenly came to my mind that, hey.. it's so deja vu.. and life is so unpredictable..
a year ago, i was still at Eureka, struggling to make ends meet (still a struggle, but slightly eased now) good times, bad times..

and now, one year later, i'm in a totally new place, new colleagues, new dynamics. an organisation with a totally different focus and directions. and, of course, much better for me too!!

And i've a "new" house!! ok la.. reno done by TSO.. though there were a number of hiccups and stuff, it still worked out well..

I HAVE YET TO VISIT CHINATOWN!!!! and i got no BAK GUA...... duhz.. wat CNY.. damnz..

Spent last weekend being a painter, curtain installer, drinks delivery gal and general odd job labourer.. with TSO.. haha.. commented to him on Sun nite, 'How come my weekend is more tiring than my weekdays??"

Sat nite slept from 8pm till 2am, then 3am till 10am, and i'm still so bushed by Sun that I was freakin sleepy by 10pm.. i had a stupid moment on sun nite.. was looking at TSO's fingers which was on my hand.. so i was looking looking, and was like, eh, how come his little finger looks so different from the rest.. took me awhile to realise, chey.. i was looking at MY own little finger..
DUHZ....

oh yea.. CNY coming.. time to replenish the dwindling bank account.. beef it up a little.. n so sad, our first Vday will not be properly spent. hahaha.. anyway, juz add on a shoutout to SOMEBODY.. just SOMEBODY.. dun think u dun need to get me V-day prezzie.. hahhahaha

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR FOLKS!! N MAY ALL OF U GET MANY MANY ANG BAOS!! (*while your singlehood status lasts!!)