Childish Cat

juz had a stupid argument wif tso..

maybe cause i'm too free due to prolonged unemployment.. i expect him to spend more time with me.. sighz.. maybe i'm too demanding..

well, we did sort of arrange to have dinner together.. but, he got a call to play ball.. oh well.. no point rehashing everything.. but i did accuse him of putting his friends before me.. nothing wrong with that i guess.. lots of guys are liddat.. and it's just this time.. eniwei, not too healthy to meet too often.. haha.. but i did say something too sarcastic and made both of us unhappy.. the rash things i say in the moment of anger.. gotta curb that..

sometimes responses given by tso seems so non-committal, really don't know what he's thinking.. n i'm bad at second-guessing.. i'm getting too dependent on him. i think i expect too much from a r/s that's so new.. i always get the feeling that if we ever decide not to be with each other anymore, he can walk away unscathed. i know i can't. i will find it damn hard to let go.. who knows, i may start stalking him.. lol..

i care alot, but i'm afraid it will stifle him, i give in too much, i feel i'm short-changing myself. when i feel i'm short-changing myself, i think it's cause i'm too selfish.. i love him, but at times i'm so pissed with him i feel like giving up.. when i feel hurt, i say things to hurt him too.. i really don't know how to handle a r/s in a matured way.

sighs.. kinda feel better after letting it out.. sweets, i'm sorry.. n i love u...

Insomnia

Been trying to sleep for the past hour.. but sleep is elusive... once my head hits the pillow, i start thinking of too many things.. esp my lack of income.. haha..

i really really want that job from Safra, but, as the days go by, the chances are diminishing more.. i managed to keep myself awake thinking of all the things i can try to do to give myself a higher chance.. brain juices are working.. haha..

Sunday was TSO's b-dae, and, except for a card that i made myself, (i have to profess, it's an ugly card.. Cat failed her art..) i am not able to get him a gift.. and though he says it's ok, i feel bad. real bad. so many things i wanted to get TSO.. yet nothing could be done due to my sad state of finance..

i feel like i'm sinking into depression.. it's coming to 3 months of a jobless Cat.. it sux.. not that i was ever rich to begin with, but at least i could support myself and still give my parents money.. i'm coming to the point where i might need to ask them for money. Can u believe that??!! farkin 25 yrs old, and still need to ask parents for money..

i remember when i was in sec 3, which was exactly 10 years ago, one of my teachers asked us to do a 5 year and 10 year plan of our life. I was so full of dreams then.. My 10 year plan was to be a successful lawyer, and possibly get married. I wanted to have kids by 30. I still do.

But after growing up, seeing more of the society and the reality of life, I seriously doubt my ability to be able to start a family, much less have kids.. I can't even afford to keep myself alive.. haha.. farkin 25 and still depending on my parents for help.. what kind of person am i?? useless that is..

Was thinking to myself this aftnn, wat's my goal in life?? my mind drew a blank. i have no aim in life. just living day by day, wasting my youth away.. no.. wait.. my youth has already been wasted.. 25, not young anymore.. when i was 20, 25 seemed such a long time away, and ppl who are 25 seemed so old to me.. I had big dreams for myself when i reached 25, but still, nothing has come about except for failed relationships, lousy grades in school, and either in a sucky job or jobless..

when am i ever gonna be successful and make something out of my own life for myself? i feel inferior even in front of my friends and relatives.. wtf is wrong wif this cat??

too much coffee made me sleepless.. now i know i can't drink coffee at night anymore.. tried and tested.. haha..

Eureka...

Kenna bluff back for a family day at zoo on sat. originally had no intention to go at all when HJ asked me..
but i still can't out-maneuver them. They got Bryan to call me. sigh.. really dunno how to say no to them.. think they're damn good at using ppl. keep asking me to go back and help, and then say it's good to have me, blah blah blah.. then y didn't they pay me more to stay.. figured they'll try to get me back to help a few more times, then once their new coordinators more 'zai', they won't be bothered about me anymore.

sigh.. wat the heck.. i'm watching tv and looking at a snickers advert.. n now i got a craving for snickers bar.... it's been damn long since i last had one.. lol..

job job job.... where are u??