The power of speech

Words can make or break someone, a situation, a relationship.
It's not what you say, but how you say it.
Words can be more lethal than a knife.

It's something that I hear often, but it's only as I grow up that I realise how true and how important and how true.

Sometimes,just keeping quiet would have made a potentially ugly situation die down.
But this cat here, simply cannot keep her mouth shut, and when pissed, the 'how Cat says it' gets real bad, Cat can sound uber sarcastic, uber mean and worst of all, brain and mouth doesn't seem to have communication breakdown (pun intended).

Am facing this current issue with the bf. Maybe it was lack of sleep from both sides, maybe it was something that just happened once too often, maybe there was too many underlying currents that was bubbling beneath, and it just exploded today. Many maybes, but the current end result is still as such.

On a selfish note, I prefer to think of it as lack of slp causing the short tempers, extremely short fuses on both ends causing overreaction, esp the bf. But, to be fair, and I'm really trying, my tone has cause for censure.
What irks me most personally is that I know I'm in the wrong (mostly anyway), yet the bf's mood when it comes to such situations is 'leave me alone'. which is totally contrary to mine. I will always be the 'come, let me make it right for you, let's talk about this, let me apologise.' Something that never works on the bf.
By the time he feels ok to talk to me, my brain have started arguing with my mind and sad to say, I rarely feel as contrite anymore. My brain has this uncanny talent to argue everything into a reason. And by the time discussion with the bf starts, I have already concluded why I am not totally at fault and what he had doneto cause all these.
Needless to say, we can start another round of quarrels just based on this.

Furthermore, I hate the feeling of not being able to make things right once away. I don't like things to be simmering in the pot.
Friends who know me will know, I'm into instant gratification. Be it good or bad. If it's an arguement, I just want to thrash it out, talk it out, reason it out or anything. I just want to get it out of the way so we can move on to the sweeter and more poignant things in life. I don't want to be stuck on the same unpleasant issues for days. I feel like it's robbing me of the pleasures in life cos I have to keep dwelling on the unpleasant thoughts.
Plus, some arguments are best done fresh.

Recently, I keep feeling the bf is constantly unhappy with me over something, May be over sensitivity on my end, but it feels sucky for me. just feels like he's not happy with me and makes me feel lacking.
This Cat does suffer from self inferiority complex. And from time to time, the feeling of cat is 'f-ed up, useless, unlovable, unlikable and one of the worst fren/gf anyone can have' boils up.
The feeling sucks, yet, I know i tend to believe the worst of myself. I try to tell myself it's not true, but this time around, the mind's argument wins over the brain's, cos deep down, I'm really afraid it is so.

Sometimes I do wonder if I suffer form a mild split personality disorder or maybe I'm just a depression case waiting to happen...

anyway, if the bf sees this, i'm sorry i'm such a lousy gf, always thinking of myself and not sparing enough thought for you.